...I have allowed myself to lose mindfullness. I am rusty, unskilled -- out of touch with the rules I had always intended to live by...And, people who are very important to me are dying -- they leave me and they leave this earth.
When my Father died, I was not there. And, even after I found out he was dead -- that whatever essence or spark sustained him was really gone -- all I could think about was wanting to hold... touch his hands... as if I could absorb him.
Now I think I would have wanted to hold him here... To hold his hand to keep him with me...
There are other friends so close to the end of years.. I am just meeting them.. and then they will go.
For over a year, I have been rageful, irrational, mean, and critical of the stupid, the ignorant, AND of those who love me most.
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I just need to pause here for a moment because of what I have done; what I persisted in doing after tears fell and my partner's forehead pressed in pain to the wall...
He said he could no longer recognize the erratic, unpredictable tornado I had become. I doubt, in all this time, he was the only one I hurt.
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And, for my Mom... I understand finally how horrible it is to be out of control -- even for my own good. But.. for all of her situation, at least right now, I am helpless.
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Today, I started working with an Android app called "CONSCIOUS", and while I browsed to their website, I came across the term: "conscious dance". This was just a wee side-track that took me pretty quickly from one thing to the next. This is usually a bad thing -- I am certainly a member of the "oh, LOOK!! A shiny object!!!" crowd. But, in this case the path I took was a very good one.
I will follow the link below often. I do not knows much at all about "Breema" or the website; but I found some wisdom I needed there today.
The app, "Conscious", tasks its users with thoughts on appreciation today. So far, everything has neatly dove-tailed -- I feel good today. My partner is most glad and so relaxed because of my change in mood. I am relieved he does not seem to have fear of any sudden return. He is such a gentle, thoughtful man. I appreciate him.... pretty high on the list!
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